Confession Of Pain
by coldfusion9797
Summary: When the past is brought up, emotions run high. Dean finally lets Colby know that walking away wasn't okay, and Colby reveals the real reason why he never came back. Set after the cool Simpson Lane episode that aired in Australia on 03.10.18. Dean/Colby. Smut.


**Smut warning! Also, this fic is kinda dark. No happy ending here. Read on at your own risk.**

 **This one is for Gkarthik925, my Dolby co-conspirator. Thanks for all the encouragement, hope this is what you were after :)**

Maybe he should call Dean. He'd stormed off from the hospital, and he was prone to doing stupid things when he was upset. Getting into trouble was the last thing Dean needed now that he was on a good behaviour bond.

Colby hit Dean's number on his phone.

xxx

Dean gazed up at the old house. It was weird, being back out here with Colby today.

Yeah, it was true that they'd spent a lot of time out here to escape their nightmare parents, but he couldn't think back on this place with anything but fond memories, because despite all the crap in their lives, when they'd been here, they'd been together.

His phone buzzed again, Colby trying to call. He didn't wanna deal with it. If Colby was calling to be a mate, it would be different, but he was just checking up, probably planning on offering some more unwanted advice. Dean just wanted to live in the memories for a minute, think about simpler times before the world all went to shit. Was that too much to ask?

xxx

On a hunch, Colby pulled up outside the Simpson Lane house. Dean was sitting on the steps.

"Thought I might find you here."

"Congrats, Constable. Stellar police work there."

Colby ignored the jibe and sat down next to his best mate.

He felt bad for Dean. It was like he'd been born under an unlucky star or something, no matter what he did, if there could be a good outcome or a bad outcome, it always seemed to fall the wrong way for him. Like today. He'd saved those kids, but everyone just decided to look at the downside and blame him. It wasn't like he'd told them to come here, and no one was giving Ryder a hard time despite the fact it actually was his fault.

"You were great today."

"Yeah right," Dean scoffed. "Nearly getting a bunch of kids killed. Real great."

"Hey, it wasn't your fault. Raffy might have died if you hadn't found them."

Dean shot him an annoyed look.

"Stop it. Stop trying to be nice to me."

"Alright, fine. Let's just sit here in silence then."

"Suits me."

Of course, the alternative was that Colby could get up and go, but he didn't wanna leave Dean alone.

They sat there for maybe five minutes, lost in their own heads, Colby's thoughts on the man beside him.

Dean had obviously come back here for a reason, because it stirred up old memories. Admittedly, Colby was feeling a little nostalgic too.

"This place hasn't really changed," he offered.

"Not like the people." That was obviously a stab at him, for becoming a cop, but Colby couldn't change the past. Dean would just have to accept it if they were going to be mates. And that was something Colby wanted.

"Come on," he said, giving Dean a playful shove. "Let's take a look inside."

xxx

Inside, now that he had time to look, it was pretty much like Dean remembered it. Maybe just a little smaller.

"Man," Colby said, looking around at the holes in the walls and the rubbish laying around. "This place is a dump. It used to seem so cool. Why'd we wanna come here all the time?"

Colby was so clueless sometimes. Did he not know that this place was important to Dean? Or did he just not care?

"We didn't. But where else were we gonna go?"

They continued to explore, staying out of the unstable basement, commenting every now and then when something sparked a memory.

It was hard to be here with Colby. In a way it was like a dream come true, to have Colby back in his life, but it also hurt, because he couldn't forget that Colby had walked away from it all without a backwards glance. He thought their friendship had meant more than that, but obviously it hadn't, at least not to Colby.

This place made other memories surface too, long days alone in the hospital, longer days alone in prison. It reminded him that he was still angry with Colby, sometimes he wanted to hate him for what he'd done, leaving like that. But being here together, looking at Colby, this person he'd once known everything about, he couldn't deny the ache he still felt to be close to him. God, he wanted back what they'd had. Even if it might've been a lie.

He was trying to decide if he should say something, try to bridge the gap between them, when Colby pointed out where they'd tagged the wall. An empty spray can was still laying there. Colby kicked it aside.

"I am so glad I got away from here."

To Colby it was a throw away comment, but Dean saw red. Did Colby really have no idea what he'd done? How much pain he'd caused?

"You tell me I need to think," Dean snapped. "But do you? This place, Mangrove River, is my life. And you talk about it like it's something you needed to suffer through to start yours."

"Dean, I didn't mean-"

"You never do!" Dean said, shoving Colby back against the wall, needing to make sure he really heard this. He didn't know how else to get it through his thick head. "Have you even stopped to think what it was like for me? Waking up in the hospital, crippled, waiting for you to show up every day. I kept thinking, 'he's waiting for the heat to die down, he'll come soon', but you never did. You never came back!"

Colby actually looked shocked, maybe Dean had finally got his attention.

"If I'd come back," Colby said, half trying to push him back now. "I was gonna get stuck here."

Dean pushed harder.

"Would that have been so bad? My memories of our childhood aren't all bad. We had each other! What else did we need?"

"My application had been approved," Colby said desperately. "If I'd been caught there, they'd have never let me into the academy."

"So, what you're saying is you put yourself first? I went to prison for you! And you know who I had in prison? No one!"

"Dean, it's more complicated than you think. I had to get out, become a cop, find Bella."

"You could have come back, you know I never would have dropped you in it. The cops had no reason to think you were there. You just didn't wanna come back."

"That's not true. I thought about you every day. But I knew if I did, that'd be it."

"Why?!" he demanded with another shove. He wasn't gonna let Colby go until he had a proper answer.

"Because I was in love with you! If I'd come back, I wouldn't have been able to let you take the fall alone. And I had to be a cop. Like my dad."

The admission jarred him, what the hell did Colby expect him to do with that? Even now, it was still about him. About his feelings, and how it would've ruined his life. He was looking for forgiveness, trying to ease his own guilt. Well maybe Dean would give him exactly what he wanted.

He smashed his mouth against Colby's.

Colby kissed back, that was the first step.

They battled like that at first, Colby desperately grabbing at him and Dean holding back just a little. Colby might say he was in love, but Dean knew better. If that was true, he'd never have left Dean to rot.

But he could do this, keep it physical, if there was one thing he was good at, it was fucking with no strings attached. Colby could be just another warm body, but he had to sell it too.

He helped Colby peel his shirt off, tossing it into the dust.

He jammed Colby back against the wall, he hit it hard and they both stared at each other for a second while they caught their breath.

Colby huffed out half a laugh.

"God, I never thought this would happen." That wasn't Dean's fault, and he wondered exactly what it was that Colby thought was happening here.

"Who knows what we might have been."

He didn't give Colby a chance to reply, crushing their mouths together again. Colby let him have it his way, and he worked his way over Colby's chin, down his throat, across his collarbone, to his ink. It was still important, because whatever had happened since, growing up had been tough and they'd got each other through it.

He ran his fingers over the words.

"Never forget this," he said, latching his mouth onto Colby's tattoo and sucking hard to leave his own mark there.

"Never," Colby promised. "Never."

Dean dropped to his knees, running his hands up Colby's thighs. He could feel Colby quivering with need, and he lifted his eyes to meet Colby's.

"Yes," Colby breathed, eyes gone dark with lust.

Dean made quick work of undoing Colby's jeans and setting his cock free. They'd pulled each other off a few times when they were kids, but he'd never put his mouth here. There was no point being half-arsed about it now, he'd come this far already.

Unlike him, Colby was cut, and he slipped his mouth over the smooth head and sucked.

Colby drew in a sharp breath, Dean had him right where he wanted him now.

He concentrated on the mechanics of it, making sure to hold back. He wanted Colby to beg for this.

"Dean... Dean, please..."

Colby tried to put a hand on his head, but Dean knocked it away. Colby wasn't in charge of this.

He gripped Colby's thighs and kept teasing.

"Dean, c'mon..." he whined.

Dean emptied his mouth and looked up. Colby looked wrecked.

"'Dean, c'mon' what?" he demanded.

Colby looked down at him, desperation in his eyes, like he couldn't believe Dean would stop now.

"Please. Please, Dean. I need you." Well that hadn't mattered much back when they'd wrecked a car and it was the other way around.

"Try again."

"I never should have left. You're the only one that ever meant anything. Please, I'm yours. Don't stop. Please..."

That did it. Dean took Colby in his mouth again, taking him deeper, but then the zipper was annoying him.

"Get these off," he said, tugging on Colby's jeans. Colby quickly got rid of them, so he was standing there buck naked, expecting Dean to carry on. But he was done with being Colby's appeaser. He could wait.

"Turn around."

"What?" Colby half whimpered. This was getting to him. Good.

Dean stood up and grabbed Colby's arms, digging his fingers in.

"I said turn around." Then he shoved Colby around, pressing the side of his face up against the graffitied wall. Against words they had written when they were young and stupid. He kicked Colby's legs apart.

"Like that," he breathed into Colby's ear, registering the shiver that ran through the taller man before he dropped down behind him. "Don't move."

He pulled Colby's cheeks apart and plunged his tongue into the moist warmth, working Colby loose.

Above him, Colby was making needy sounds, Dean was loving having this power over him. For once in their lives, it wasn't Colby calling the shots.

Satisfied he'd done enough, he stood up, and just to see how far he could push this, pulled Colby in for a kiss. Colby didn't hesitate, locking their mouths together, sliding his tongue against Dean's. Maybe it was love.

"Wait here," Dean said. "I've got some lube in the car."

He took off outside, grabbing some KY from the glove box, and a rubber. He wiped his face too, and threw a couple of mints in his mouth.

For a second he thought about just driving off, leaving Colby hanging to see how he liked it. Maybe he shoulda nicked his clothes on the way out, left him to drive home starkers. But he didn't. This was an opportunity for Dean too. To leave Colby with something he'd never, ever forget.

Suddenly he remembered the camping gear he'd picked up for the kids. He still had it the boot. He grabbed the sleeping bags, his knees were about done with that hard, old floor.

The second he walked back in, Colby was on him, pulling his shirt off.

"God, I missed you..."

"I was only gone for a minute."

"I'm not taking about now."

"Well you've only got yourself to blame for that."

That cooled things off a little.

"Dean, I-"

"Save it," Dean said, clapping his hand over Colby's mouth. "I don't wanna hear apologies." He couldn't stomach fake remorse.

Colby brightened a little, maybe thinking he was already forgiven. Well whatever helped him sleep at night.

"Now spread those sleeping bags out and get on your knees."

Colby did as he was told, kneeling down in front of Dean, reaching out and sliding Dean's pants down.

Dean was struggling a little, half of him wanted this, thought it was hot, but he was angry too, and it was hard to get past the rage to the pleasure.

He looked down to where Colby was just staring at him.

"What are you waiting for?" Then he slid his fingers into Colby's hair and pushed his head forward.

The hot cavern of Colby's mouth enveloped him, and for a little while he did forget. Let go of all the pain and anger, and just enjoyed the feeling of Colby's mouth around him. Of having this closeness between them.

When he felt like he was getting close, he pushed Colby back. He wasn't ready for this to end yet.

Colby looked up at him questioningly.

"Pass me that tube," he said, holding his hand out.

"I can do it," Colby said, squirting some lube into his hand and slicking Dean up.

"You too," Dean instructed. Colby got some more and reached between his legs. For a moment Dean was consumed by want, it was so hot to see Colby doing these things just because he said so.

Dean grabbed Colby's shoulders and shoved him down so his hands were on the floor. Then he slowly walked around behind him.

"No Dean," Colby said.

"What?" Dean snapped back. Colby was kidding himself if he thought this wasn't happening now.

"Not like this. Please, not like this." His tone was pleading, almost panicky. It reminded him of another request, a missing sister, a stolen car. And that was the whole problem, wasn't it? He'd never been able to refuse Colby. Even now.

"Fine. Roll over."

Colby did, laying back in the bright nylon. Then he was reaching out for Dean, and as much as he wanted to ignore the way that made him feel, he couldn't. His whole life, all he'd ever wanted was for Colby to need him as much as he needed Colby. So Dean went to him, settling himself between Colby's legs, looking down into Colby's eyes. He tried his best to ignore the soft look in Colby gave him. It was so much harder to punish him face to face.

Colby reached up and touched his cheek, frowning a little.

"What did I do to you?"

If Colby could see the conflict in him, it was time to push higher thought away.

Dean leaned down and caught Colby's mouth in a kiss, because it was an easier place to hide. Then he buried himself inside Colby, and it felt so good. Like coming home to a place he'd never been.

"I love you so much, Dean."

Dean felt the barest hint of a smile pull at his mouth, he twisted it into something harder, and he leaned down, pressing his cheek to Colby's.

"Don't ruin it, Colby," he whispered into Colby's ear.

He pulled back, saw the confused look on Colby's face, and started move, working in and out, hoping to chase all the pain away for both of them. But they were too invested in this, there was too much history between them. It was impossible to separate the physical from all the rest. Colby wasn't some nameless chick he'd met an hour ago. Still, he had to try. He pumped harder, maybe if he could just finish this quickly, they could be done. With all of it.

"Dean, stop. Slow down. We've waited too long for this."

"You have," Dean shot back.

He saw the way those words cut Colby, saw the tears spring to his eyes. There was satisfaction in that. Regret too.

"I never meant-"

"Just don't," Dean said, kissing Colby to stop him talking.

Colby tried to get his message across in another way. He brought his hands up to hold Dean's face, slowing the kiss down, making it a more tender thing. Dean wanted to believe it, but he didn't trust Colby. Not anymore.

He pulled away.

"Dean..." Colby pleaded, tears actually running down his face now. "You have to let me say this."

He jerked his hips to distract Colby, remind him of what they were doing here. But it didn't work, maybe Colby was finally starting to get the gravity of what he'd done when he left. Understand that he'd broken them.

"It's okay," he told Colby, because that's what he needed to hear right now. He wanted Colby to enjoy this. Needed him too if he was going to get his point across. "It's in the past. We're here now."

Colby nodded, desperate to believe that.

"Let's just be together," Dean said, leaning down and catching Colby's mouth in a slow kiss. He felt Colby's arms wrap around him, and after that, they were in it together. They found a rhythm that worked, and Dean could almost believe that they could make anything work, as long as they were together.

He pushed Colby over the edge, and followed soon after, collapsing onto the bigger man, exhausted from the emotional ride as much as anything.

Colby wrapped him up tight and pressed soft kisses to his sweaty face.

"You have to let me say this now," Colby murmured into his hair, tightening his grip a little when Dean tensed. He didn't wanna hear this. "I'm sorry." But there it was.

"No, you're not," Dean argued, the effect might've been lost a little with the words being breathed against Colby's chest though. "You got everything you wanted."

"No," Colby disagreed. "I never found Bella, and I hurt the one person I was always supposed to protect. I wanna make it up to you now. If you'll let me..." He pressed another kiss to Dean's hair and tightened his hold again.

Was he asking for a relationship? It might sound nice, definitely felt nice from where he was laying, but it would never work. A cop and a crim, it was a fantasy. A dangerous one. Still, he couldn't bring himself to move from this spot.

xxx

It was incredible. Once, a long time ago, back before the crash, Colby had dreamed that this would be their future. But then it was gone, and he'd accepted that, moved on. Except now, here they were. Serendipitously brought back together, Dean in his arms and a future ahead of them.

"Remember the first night we spent here?" he said into Dean's hair, trailing a finger down his spine.

"I was shitting myself," Dean admitted. Then he turned his face up, so they could look into each other's eyes. Dean looked so lovely, uncertain but determined, still a fighter despite everything, and Colby didn't know how he'd denied himself of this precious person for so long. "But you were there, so it was okay."

He'd got Dean through that initiation, because being there for Dean was what he did. Colby knew know, beyond a doubt, that he was a complete idiot for ever having walked away. Dean needed him and that should've been the only thing that mattered. From now on, it would be.

"You were just a kid, but you wanted to be a River Boy so bad."

"Not being a part of it was scarier. Loyalty. It's everything, you know?"

"Yeah," Colby said, stretching up. "I'll never leave you again. That's a promise."

As their mouths met, he felt Dean's lips curl into a smile, and he tightened his arms, determined to never let go again.

Dean settled back down against him, letting him know they were in this together again, and to Colby, that was everything.

xxx

Dean snapped awake. The first hint of sunlight was starting to creep in. Shit. He hadn't meant to fall asleep. It could've ruined everything. But then, screwing up his own revenge was just the kind of dumb thing he'd do. There were reasons his life was so messed up.

He could just make out the writing on the wall. Put there by the two of them back when they were the centre of each other's worlds.

Their tags, dumb kid stuff that had seemed so important at the time, and the word 'unbreakable', or at least their teenage, shorthand version of it. It was a message to the house, that they couldn't be frightened off so easily, and it was a promise to each other. He'd never doubted it for a second until that day.

Colby was still asleep beside him, and arm draped over his waist. He looked peaceful, almost happy even, but it was a lie. As much as Dean wanted to believe Colby's promises and assurances, he wasn't that stupid. He had learned a long time ago that true loyalty was a fairy-tale, and he knew that soon enough Colby would realise that this could never work. He couldn't be a cop and love a criminal. And when that happened, he would choose his career, he had already proved it was the thing he valued most of all.

The simple fact of the matter was that Dean couldn't do this, couldn't have his heart broken all over again. It would be better to be the one to go, to walk away before he got too invested. Besides, it wasn't like Colby really cared, he was selfish, always had been, and this whole thing was just some attempt to ease his guilt.

Carefully, Dean got up and gathered his clothes, pulling them on as quickly and quietly as he could. His heart was thumping and he felt sick in the gut, but he had to do this, had to stand up for himself for once in his miserable life.

He paused in the doorway and took one last look back, wondering if it had been this hard for Colby to walk away. But at the end of the day, Colby had chosen to go through with it, so Dean could do no less. At least he knew Colby wasn't bleeding out in a car wreck. He would live.

If he ever felt bad about this, all he had to do was think back to waking up in that hospital alone, waiting for a visit from Colby that never came. Being the one left behind was the worst, and it was time for Colby to find out exactly how that felt.

xxx

Colby woke up cold and alone. And immediately he knew something was wrong. Dean should be here.

At first he thought something bad must have happened, an emergency he had to take care of. But as the haze of sleep cleared, and he remembered all that had happened the night before, a feeling of unease began to settle on him. Where would Dean go? What could be more important than this?

He was a cop, used to reading people, but it was hard to see clearly where Dean was concerned.

He looked around, noticed that Dean's stuff was gone, and he knew what this was, but he couldn't believe it. At least, he didn't want to.

He had always taken Dean's loyalty for granted, ever since he'd stepped in and rescued him from a beating. Dean had followed him everywhere, never questioned their bond, and Colby had abandoned him.

Maybe he deserved this, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt like hell. He had really believed that they'd had a break though, put the blame behind them, found their way through all the pain and guilt back to each other. It was gutting to realise he'd been so wrong. Dean didn't love him, probably couldn't love him, not after what he'd done.

Before, when he'd walked away, it had been okay, tolerable at least, because Dean wasn't in his life at all. He could bury it all. But now they lived in the same town, would run into each other all the time, and it was going to be so much harder. Or maybe Dean would leave, and that thought was even worse. He needed Dean in his life, he understood that now, he'd been a shell of himself all those years he was away. These past few months he'd felt alive again.

Suddenly his chest felt tight, and it was hard to breathe. He thought of the blind faith Dean had had in him, and the knowledge that his actions had destroyed that.

He felt a tear roll down his cheek.

Dean wasn't coming back. He knew that, because it had taken him seven years to come back.

This was payback, Dean had made his point loud and clear, and Colby had no one to blame but himself. The Dean he used to know never would have done anything like this, and Colby now understood exactly what his betrayal had done. He'd broken Dean, turned that sweet kid into something cruel, and it was unforgivable. More tears fell. And he knew there would never be enough of them to wash this pain away.


End file.
